


It's Too Much Like Me

by UnderwaterNearHome



Category: Bones (TV)
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Cutting, Depression, Episode: s04e21 Mayhem on a Cross, Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:13:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25301422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnderwaterNearHome/pseuds/UnderwaterNearHome
Summary: Booth hesitates.“Around 12.”Sweets nods slowly, sighing.“And how deep?”“Apparently not deep enough.” Booth jokes. Sweets shakes his head.“This isn’t a joke Agent Booth.”“I know- I just-”“-Don’t want to answer?”Booth nods.“How deep?”“I don’t know.”“Let me put it this way.” Sweets leans forward in his chair.“How many were suicide attempts?”WARNING: DEALS WITH SUICIDE, SELF HARM, DEPRESSION, MENTIONS OF RAPE, VIOLENCE, AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS.
Relationships: Seeley Booth/Lance Sweets
Comments: 15
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I've been feeling down so I needed to rant and write about how I'm feeling. Usually I write sad stuff when I do.

“Bones!” Booth hollars, grinning. Bones looks up from her computer.  
“Yes, Booth?”  
“We got a caaaseeee!” he sings, smiling as he sat a coffee down onto her desk. Bones shakes her head.  
“Booth I’ve got work I can’t ju-”  
“C’mon Bones, Please? I need my genius by my side.”  
“I wish I could but I can’t-”  
“Please, Bones.” Booth whines, pouting his lips childishly. Bones smiles but shakes her head anyway.  
“No, Booth. Ask Cam and Fisher.”  
“What?” Both shakes his head, looking at her as if she was crazy.  
“No, No, No way in hell.” Booth laughs and sets his own coffee down.  
“No, I will not be taking Fisher!”  
“Booth, I’m busy! Now get out, yes. Go. Shoo.” She stands from her desk and waves Booth out.  
“I left my coffee in there!” But Bones continues to push him out of her office and close the door.  
“What are you doing?” Angela asks, Booth jumps out of his skin and turns to Angela.  
“Oh, I was just asking Bones to come with me but she's busy or something.” Booth says, adjusting his tie and smiling.  
“Oh yeah, this new set of bones has her all riled up.” Angela adjusts the clipboard in her hands and smiles.  
“Sorry she stole your coffee sweetie.” She says walking past him into her office, he bites his lip and nods.  
“Thanks.” He calls, walking away. I am definitely not telling Fisher he thinks as he walks out of the Jeffersonian, hands in his pockets.  
When Booth gets there, he's already gotten himself a new coffee and prepared himself to see the body. Death is still not something he’s comfortable with.  
“What do we got?” He asks, walking in, a cop beside him starts to ramble.  
“Homeless, one dead, two boys are the only ones present.” Booth nods. “Bystander called in a domestic situation, when our boys got there they saw two boys and a man decomposed and dead in the kitchen, we assume he's the father.” Booth swallows a lump in his throat and nods at the cop.  
“You check the caller?”  
“Yep, woman says she never went in, that's her over there, she says she was coming out of the store over there and heard a scream.  
“Okay, let me see the victim.” Booth says, following after the cop.  
“Over there are the sons, were taking them in for questioning. The body’s this way.” Booth looks over to where the cop pointed and sees the two boys. The older one has bruises and scars all over him and the younger perfectly clean. Booth feels the world crash a bit when he sees the older boy.

_“Heeey Seeley!” His arms fell to his sides and he stood up straight, he could hear his heart beat in his chest. He’s so scared. And somehow, that's making it worse._  
_“Father.” He nodded to his dad. His dad grinned drunkenly. He tried not to move, not to show any fear, fear got him beat. Men aren’t scared._  
_“Don’t be that way Seeley, you know I love you.” He says, patting him on the shoulder. He tenses and his father notices it, his father’s grin spreads wider._  
_“You think I’m going to hit you?” Seeley, the boy, nods._  
_“Oh...well.”_  
_CLAP_  
_Seely falls to the ground, holding his hand over his cheek, tears springing to his eyes. Don’t say anything, don’t say a thing, not a word. Jared hide. Please hide._  
_“Can’t be making a fool out of you, can I now?”_  
_“Seeley?” Jared. No. Go back. Please, close the door._  
_“Jar-head?” His dad asks, he can hear the venom in his voice, and he can feel the fear radiate from Jared, even though he's so far away. Jared close the door._  
_“P-Please.” Seely stutters, pushing himself up from the ground, his father's smile disappears and black eyes fill the void. Please._  
_THUMP._  
_Seely falls to the ground again, groaning as he holds his side._  
_“He-” Seely groans again and rolls over, “he's only f-four.”_  
_“Jar-head! Come here son.” Seeley’s whole body jolts in fear and he gets up quickly. He looks Jared in the eyes._  
_“Lock the door Jare-”_  
_WHIP._  
_When did he take his belt off?_

“Agent Booth?” Booth shivers, biting his lip as he feels the exact spot tingle.  
“Ow.” Booth groans, closing his eyes. The officer steps closer to Booth and grabs his shoulder.  
“Are you alright, Agent Booth?” Booth tenses and shrugs his arm off, shaking his head.  
“I’m fine, just show me the body.” The cop continues to walk, eyeing Booth carefully. Booth stares at the boys for a few seconds before looking over at the body.  
There's skin on the bones, and just by looking at it, He can tell.  
“How long has it been here?” Booth asks, cringing as he scans the body.  
“Four weeks.” The cop says, holding his nose.  
“So, a month?” He says, look at the other cop.  
“Just about.”  
“Shouldn’t it take longer to decompose like this?” Booth turns away from the body and looks around.  
“He was soaked in a skin eating acid.” Booth brings his attention back to in front of him and looks at the limpy FBI forensic worker.  
“So, its a murder?” Booth asks, hands on his hips.  
“I believe so, yes.” Booth nods and claps his hands together.  
“Okay then. Let’s get this body back to the Jeffersonian.” Booth looks over at the kids again, the older boy is holding onto the little one for dear life.  
“And take them for interrogation, they don’t seem to have any guardians so we're required to collect them anyway.” The FBI agent nods and Booth watches as the man goes over.   
As soon as the Agent goes to touch the little boy, a part of Booth reawakens.  
A part of him that we hasn't used in so many years.  
The same part that engages in the older boy.  
The older boy yanks the little brother behind him and punches the FBI Agent.  
Booth feels the same actions course through his veins and he walks away quickly, breathing roughly.   
Because he can see his dad’s face in his mind again.  
And he was waiting for the hit.


	2. Chapter 2

Booth was sitting at his desk, he couldn’t go to the lab with them, he knew Bones would be busy, couldn’t leave the lab, for once he was thankful for that.

He didn’t want to look at the body any longer, he wanted to sit in his office. Sit in his office and think.

But it's almost as if anytime Booth tries to think, Sweets can sense it, and he walks in, just to pry. It’s almost every single time, whenever Booth needs time to himself, here comes Sweets. The man with the worst timing.

“Agent Booth.” Sweets greets, walking into his office. Booth is already annoyed and all the man has said was his name.

“What do you want Sweets?” Sweets nods his head and puts his hands in his pockets, rocking on his heel.

“I’d like to let you know about our meeting tomorrow.” Booths eyebrows shoot up and he tenses.

“Uh-” Booth clears his throat and sits up straight, “what, uh, what meeting?”

Sweets eyes Booth carefully, looking him up and down, studying his body language.

“Is there something wrong, Agent Booth?” He shivers and shakes his head, getting out of his chair and avoiding eye contact with Sweets.

“No, not a thing. I’ll tell Bones.” Booth knew this was evident on his expressions, he knew that it was clear between them both that something was wrong. The only problem was it wasn’t evident how big of a problem it actually was.

“Agent Booth, I’d actually like to see you in my office today.” Booth glances at Sweets before shaking his head.

“I’m too busy Sweets, I can’t talk Psychological crap with you right now.”

Sweets lips form a tight line and he nods.

“You’re right, you're too busy trying to distract yourself.” Booth laughs and shakes his head.

“You don’t know me, kay?” Booth says, glaring at Sweets.

“Agent Booth.” Sweets and Booth turn around to look at the door.

“I have the file on your new case all set up.” A man walks in with a beige folder, handing it to Booth. Sweets grins and nods.

“A new case, huh?”Booth scowls at the kid and sits down at his desk. Booth thanks the man and he leaves. Sweets looks down at the file.

“This is a hard case for you.” he says, Booth shakes his head and glares at the man.

“Get out.” Sweets puts his hands up as if to say that he surrendered, and then walked out. Leaving Booth to his thoughts.

Something Booth wasn’t all that grateful for.

He opens up the file and starts to read, holding his breath as he did so. He’s too afraid he’ll get another memory, just a word to trigger it. He didn’t understand what was happening in this godawful case, but he wanted to get through it fast, it hit too close to home.

“Name: Kane Walkinson

Age: 13

Parents: Frank Walkinson and Gale Walkinson

Siblings: Peter Walkinson

Report: A call was placed for a domestic situation in which yelling was going on. The body was found when police arrived, it was in the kitchen of a trailer park. The trailer park was reported stolen and the boys haven't said a word.”

Booth sighs deeply, forcing himself to continue reading.

“They have been physically violent towards anyone who comes near though. They were detained. The older boy had bruises and cuts on his body, it's assumed the deceased was their guardian since their mother was reported dead.”

_ He felt blood pool in his mouth, the fear of drowning was inevitable. He felt the terror in his body, he felt the adrenaline. He knew how he felt now wasn’t as bad as he would later. _

_ “Pathetic.” Oh, yes, He knew that as well. _

“Oh god.” Booth blinks rapidly, he can hear his heartbeat and for a second there he felt liquid in his throat, and he felt it all over. He remembered it all over.

Booth stood up, and rushed out of his office.

“I want to question the kid, bring him to me.” He hollered to another Agent as he stormed away. He needed coffee.

Booth finished his coffee and went down to the interrogation room, walking in, he sat down in front of the older kid.

“My name is Seeley and I will be questioning you.” It came out in one breath. He needed this to be done.

“Your dad did this to you.” Booth said, it wasn't really a question, the kid swallowed.

“He gets drunk.” Booth says next, leaning toward the kid, the kids fist turns white.

“He swings.” The kid doesn’t say anything.

“Little brother doesn’t deserve it.” Booth says, the kid finally turns to him, and the kids eyes are glossed over, surrounding both eyes with purple and yellow and blackish skin. Booth has seen the same thing in the mirror

“He hits, you tell your brother to run and you-” Booths fist clench and his teeth grind and the kid looks like he's about to cry.

“You fucking take it because he can’t get hurt, he doesn’t deserve that.” A tear falls down the boy's eye and Booths fists are ghostly white, Booth looks like he's about to cry too.

“And your-”

_ “Did you say something Seeley?” _

_ “No?” _

_ SMACK. _

“-your trying to get him to calm down the first time, but he wont. And when he hits you the first time, you take it, because you don’t want Peter hurt.” The boy starts crying, and Booth knows the crying hurts, crying always hurts when you're beat like that.

“And when you talk, it gets worse.” The kid says through sobs, and Booth feels himself start to break down.

“I know.” Booth says, looking at the kid. Both of them are just crying, looking at each other, tears falling down, just looking at each other.

Booth gets up, and he grabs the kid, and the kid grabs him.

“It’s over for you.” Booth whispers.

He hugs the kid for a while, then he walks out, wiping his eyes. As soon as he's out the door, he spots Sweets at the end of the hall with a coffee, talking to someone.

Booth walks over, and Sweets notices him and smiles.

“Agent Booth”

Booth clears his throat.

“Please tell Agent Rollo to talk to the kid, Bones needs me.” Sweets smiles and nods.

“Will do. You coming by my office today?”

Booth shakes his head.

“Nah, I was just mad at Bones but we made up.”

“Oh, what about?”

“Nothing important.” Sweets eyes Booth but Booth sends him a smile and walks away.

Sweets watches as he presses the elevator button.

Instead of going to the Jeffersonian though, Booth drives home and grabs a beer out of the fridge. He would be taking a day off. A well needed day off.

Maybe catch some zzZ’s and watch TV.

This would be a tough case, but nothing he couldn’t handle.

I mean, it's been what? 25 years? He would be fine. He's already made it this far. A bad couple of days wouldn’t do too bad.


	3. Chapter 3

_ “Dad’s home, Jared.” _

_ “Seeley..” He grips his brothers shoulder tightly and pushes him towards the only room that locks, the bathroom. _

_ “Go, Jared.” He mutters, Jared looks at him, and waddles to the room, closing the door. Seeley stays perfectly still and listens in. Then the door clicks locked. _

_ The door to the home clicks seconds later and the little bit of hope Seeley had was gone. He can smell the alcohol reek off of him and the room is silent. His father stumbles in. _

_ At first his father doesn’t see him and he walks in, throwing a beer bottle on the counter. Seeley tries his best not to flinch as it shatters and spills everywhere. His father groans and tilts his head to look around. _

_ He’s sitting in the living room chair when his father sees him. _

_ “Seeley? Son! Is that you?” He stands up, swallowing the lump in his throat as he does so. _

_ “Yes, dad.”  _

_ “Why is there a broken bottle on the counter?” Seeley tenses, tonight was a night. He prepared himself by taking a deep breath, and holding that breath. _

_ “You threw it there, father.” His father grinned. He knew that the grin was not a good sign, it took the first 12 beatings to get that through his thick skull. _

_ “What a smart boy.” He still had bruises on him from the last beating, the one four days ago. _

_ His father walks up to him, grabbing him by the shirt, forcefully. _

_ “No one likes a smartass Seeley.” His father seethes. He doesn’t say anything. There was nothing he could say that wouldn’t get him a beating. _

_ “Are you going to go clean it up?” His father throws him to the ground, and his elbows crash into the hardwood floor. It was his funny bone, it burned, but if he said anything other than yes sir, he’d get worse. _

_ “Yes sir.” he ran over to clean it up, almost cutting himself in the process. _

_ “Where’s my little Jar-head?” His father said, stumbling over to the bathroom. His father knew Jared was there, he was always there when he came home. _

_ “Seeley, tell him to come out. Wanna say hi.” Seeley stopped moving, temporarily shutting down, this had never happened, he’d either go to his room or beat Seeley until he saw blood. _

_ “I can’t do that.” He says, continuing to pick up glass. He’s just picked up another when he can hear his dad moving. He knows what's going to happen, so he waits for it to. _

_ His father picks him up by his waist, flips the boy around to face him, and then throws him down, hard, into the glass. He can feel a piece stab into his back, and he bites his lip so hard it starts to bleed to keep from screaming. _

_ “You fucking tell him to open that god damned door or I’ll fucking kill you.” His father kicks his side and he groans in response. _

_ Seeley knows if he tells him to open the door, he’s gonna hurt Jared, he knew it in his soul, he knew it. _

_ “No.” He almost regrets saying it the moment he has, because his father grabs a piece of glass and grips onto Seeley’s arm. He’s never done this before. It’s gonna hurt. Please. Stop. _

_ His father holds the glass to his stomach, not yet applying pressure. _

_ “Open the door, Jared.” His father says, but despite the pain he’s in, Seeley still has a voice. _

_ “DON’T!” _

_ He applies the pressure then, really, really, really hard. He drags it, and Seeley screams. He’s always been quiet, but for this, he screams. He can’t make words with his mouth, it's only just noises and hissing and screaming. _

_ Through it all, Seeley can hear Jared crying. But most importantly, he can hear himself crying. _

Booth sits up out of bed, sweat pouring down his body and through his sheets. He can feel his body burn, he's in pain, and he's convinced it's still happening.

“JARED!” he screams, he throws back the sheets and runs out of the room, tears running down his face. He only sees dark, the lights are off. Booth’s knees give in and the muscled man falls to the ground, sobbing.

“It hurts.” He repeats, over and over, grabbing at different parts of his body.

He shakes his head over and over, trying to steady his breathing. 

It’s 4-5 minutes before Booth can slow his heart rate enough where he can open his eyes and look around.

I’m home, its okay, I’m home. He slowly stops crying, but he’s still shaking, and by this rate, Booth thinks he’ll be shaking all day.

Lights. Booth slowly stands up, shivering in the cold. His body warmth had left and he was covered in sweat, stripped down to his boxers. Booth slowly walks over, making sure his knees don’t give up on him. He’s scared, he’s never been scared of the dark, but he was scared of this dark.

The lights flicked on and one of the few anchors had lifted from him, his breathing came easier than it had a few seconds ago. He had already felt better.

“Something’s wrong.” He thinks out loud as he wraps his muscular arms around his matching muscular body. He hugs himself tightly, considering how stupid he may have looked.

It’s just a bad dream. I’m just a little nervous, the case will be over in a few days, it’ll all be fine. He was convinced, he believed.

Booth made his way to the bathroom, slightly wincing as he remembered what the bathroom used to be to him, why Booth was never in the bathroom with his brother.

The shower pelted his skin the moment he stepped in, and the sweat was washing away down the drain. Booth was silently hoping the flashbacks would go down the drain with it. He closed his eyes as the hot water hit his neck and ran down the spine of his back, he knew it was doing so, but he was still so shaken up from the dream that he couldn’t focus on the feeling.

His arms were sore from what he assumed was flailing in his bed. Booth tries his best not to think about the dream as he washes his hair. It’s only when he grabs his soap bar that he rubs his finger around the place his father was cutting. He washed that part the quickest before getting out.

Booth got dressed quickly, the clothes feeling unnatural, like the cotton was assaulting him. He knew he wouldn’t be able to shake this feeling today, and then seeing the boy's father? He’d surely have some sort of convulsion in his office when no one was looking.

Booth tied his tie, looking in the mirror, his hands were still shakey so it took him a few attempts before it looked good enough. He put on his Cocky belt buckle, and his crazy socks. He looked like Special Agent Seeley Booth, but he didn’t feel like him.

He grabbed his phone, keys, and wallet, walking out of the apartment, and not into his car. He doesn’t want to drive to the office today, what if he accidentally hit somebody? He was in no condition to drive.

He started his walk, it wasn’t far away but he still wished he could have driven.

“Booth?” Instead he walked to the Jeffersonian, it was farther but he didn’t want to accidentally bump into Sweets, his hands were still shaking.

“Hi.” he responded, offering Angela a small smile.

“Where have you been? We’ve been calling you, we found out who the body is!” Booth nodded.

“That’s great, Angela.” Angela smiled and turned to point at Brennan’s office.

“Sweets, Hodgins, Fisher, and Brennan are in her office, going over the body.

“Wait,” Booth grabs Angela’s arm lightly and panic is stricken in his face.

“They’re on the case? Bones and Sweets are on the case?” Angela furrows her eyebrows and looks at Booth.

“What? Of course they are. Are you okay?” Booth feels like he could vomit, he shakes his head yes.

“Fine, just, give me a minute.” Booth’s fists clench and he breathes, Angela gives him one last look of concern before walking off.

Booth rubs the sleep from his eyes, wipes his sweat away, and plasters on a smile.

He reluctantly walks in the direction of Bones’ office, grinning.

“Boooones-” He peeks his head in and stops singing the moment he sees everyone else, just as he would have if he had not had a breakdown this morning.

“Booth, there you are.” She says, waving him over. Hodgins smirks at his singing and Sweets smiles. Fisher stares at the files on the desk as Booth walks over.

“Sorry, had something to do.” Sweets ears perk up and he looks at Booth.

“Like?” Booth glares at the man.

“You’ll understand when your older.” He says, Hodgins does a short and quick ‘ha’ and Garth nods at Booth. Garth was too scared of Booth to do much of anything else.

“Focus.” Bones says, looking around at them all, Booth smiles and looks down at the files.

“Femur indicated male, Angela did a sketch, his name is Phil Walkinson.” Booth bites his lip to prevent himself from telling her that he already knew what the bastard's name was.

“Do we have any suspects Booth?” Bones asks, Booth opens his mouth but before he can speak, Sweets interjects.

“They found two kids at the crime scene, I read the first few sentences on the report on Booth’s desk.”

Booth nods, holding back the urge to glare at Sweets.

“They’re not suspects though.” Booth says, looking over at Sweets, Sweets only smiles in return and Booth turns back to Bones.

“The kids found him like that, they were hiding.” Booth continues, putting his hands in his pockets, he knew they were shaking a bit right now and he wouldn’t dare let Sweets notice it.

“Hiding?” Hodgins asks. Booth nods.

“Why would they be hiding?” He looks over at Hodgins.

“I asked the kid, he said something about other people stealing his stuff.” Booth says, glancing at Bones. She hands him a copy of the pictures of the body. He flashes her a cute smile before taking them and walking out of the room.

On the walk back to the FBI building he starts to realize why cars were invented, of course he’s used to pain and working out but that doesn't make him some sort of immune god. His feet are starting to hurt and he’s only halfway there.

So Booth starts to hum to himself as he walks, and as soon as he’s inside, he grabs himself a coffee and steps into the elevator.

The elevator ride is slow but when he gets to his office, the first thing he does is sit down, letting his sore feet rest.

He had 5 cases to file paperwork for, a traumatic crime scene to examine, and a social worker to contact. Long Day. Very very long day.

So he did what any sane person would do, he contacted the social worker first.

She had flirted with him over the phone, he returned the favor, she said she’d drop by. Okay. One job down.

After he hung up he set the phone down and picked up one of the case files. He hated this, but he hated the potentially traumatic crime scene way more. So Booth grips the file in one hand and starts to write and organize with the other.

The last words he wrote on the documents just happened to be his signature in a colum saying, ‘This Case File Was Viewed And Approved By’ he had never really thought about his signature until the FBI, it was always a line with a smiley face in it. Something about that didn't scream FBI Special Agent to him so when he joined as a rookie, he changed his signature to a giant loop with smaller curves and only the l and y actually readable.

Once the last file was done, he felt his hands start to shake again as he set the pen down. He really didn’t need any more nightmares keeping him up.

Booth stood up from his office and walked to his house, he would be needing a car to get to this crime scene, it was a mile or two away and for some reason his feet still slightly hurt.

Once he got to the scene, he looked around the trailer park, he looked so closely and tried to focus so hard.

Then he saw the broken glass in the cabinet, and his heart involuntarily beat to the beat of this morning, and his chest got tight and he felt the urge to cry again, he felt his abdomen burn.

_ When the blade reached the other side of his stomach, he pulled the glass away and it was only then that the glass was gone that the blood seeped out, so deep, such a deep cut. _

_ He was still screaming as if he was cutting him, he could feel it happening again, even though it wasn’t. _

“I can’t breathe- Help.” Booth’s knees buck.

_ His father stomped hard onto his face, making the boy’s nose bleed. _

_ Then he retreated into his room, and the door closed. As soon as the door closed, Seeley forced himself to stop screaming, he forced his voice to die. _

“I can’t I’m dying, please, blood, so much.” Booth says, grasping his surroundings for support, his head was spinning.

_ He laid on the floor, letting his own blood puddle around, he was almost positive this was how he would die. There was too much blood, but Seeley pressed hard onto his wound, making a noise. _

“It’s burning, Jared!” Booth screams as he falls onto the trailer floor, clawing at his throat. I can’t breathe.

_ Fear struck him down and he grabbed a rag from the counter, putting it between his teeth, as he lay on the livingroom floor, pushing on his wound and screaming into the rag. _

“I’m going to-” Booth’s heart was beating so fast it hurt, he could feel the blood pouring from his stomach.

_ Somehow he stopped the bleeding.  _

_ And somehow he stood up.  _

_ And somehow he pulled his shirt back down _

_ And somehow, he limped to the bathroom door, rag still in mouth, still screaming into the rag from the pain of walking. _

_ And somehow... Seeley was able to calm his screams enough to take the rag out and tell his brother to open the door. _

Booth’s heart was yelling at him, his body was burning, he was in hell. And he wasn’t going to get out. Stop. Please. Jared. Please. Dad. Please.

Booth’s heartbeat didn’t slow down, and he knew it wouldn’t until he got out of there, he knew he’d die if he didn’t move. He squirmed against the ground for what felt like hours until he managed to reach the door. He threw his body out of the trailer and onto the hard gravel, where he, covered in sweat, panted, trying to breath and calm himself.

It wasn’t until 16 minutes later was Booth able to stand.

“I can’t do this.” He chanted as he slowly made his way over to his vehicle before sitting down in the drivers seat, and trying his best to calm down.

No one could find out, no one could know, they can’t.

“I have PTSD.” he murmured to himself, thinking out loud.

“How could I never have known?” He asked himself, still thinking out loud.

After Booth felt calm enough, he used his shakey hands to start the car, he would be driving this time, no matter what state he was in.

And since that was the last thing to do on his list…

He would be driving home.


	4. Chapter 4

_ His wound was just starting to heal up, he needed stitches but he didn't want to ask, he knew he couldn’t ask. He tried to let it heal on its own. But he knew it wouldn't. _

_ He skipped school and went to the hospital, he asked the nurse to fix him. Horrified, she did, and he never gave her his name, begged her not to tell anyone, flirted with her, even at 13. She gave him stitches and he promised her he would come back, come back and tell her everything. He did not. _

_ When his father found out he skipped school, he could tell. His dad waited on the porch, and Seeley knew that Jared was still at school. It had been his job to get him, he knew he wouldn’t get him, he knew they’d keep him for a while. He knew he was SAFE. _

_ His father grinned when he saw the boy, he saw the little blood stain on his white shirt and he smiled wider. Seeley knew he wouldn’t make it through this beating, he knew this would be the end of him. _

_ “Son. How kind of you to join us.” When his father spoke, the alcohol on his breath carried in the wind, he could smell how much was in his brain, how much had clogged his vision. _

_ “I went to get stitches for my wound, I-” His father stood up from the porch chair and stomped down to him. He felt the fear, but he didn’t move. _

_ “You piece of shit.” This was also new, the trash talk. The talking at all, that part was fairly new too. He’s trying new things on me. _

_ “Did they do something to you boy?!” Seeley held his breath, he could hear the footsteps still coming towards him. _

_ “No Sir, I made sure of it.” His father had reached him, grabbed him by his hair and pulled him, hard, making his scalp burn. Pulled him so hard the skin was peeling off his skull. _

_ His father pulled him into the house, knowing the moment the door closed, he was his to beat on. _

_ He heard the sound of a belt buckle, and then he heard the loops whistle as the belt slid out. Seeley felt the sounds. _

_ The belt hit really hard against his back, he fell forward, already dizzy due to the procedure a meer hour ago. His father swung again, and he heard it break the wind, the whoosh and then a crack as it stung and imprinted itself onto his back. _

_ “You dumbass.” He hit again, and then again. _

_ “Piece of dogshit, that's what you're worth.” He’s hit him 4 more times. _

_ Thats 8 times. _

_ “Please.” he begged as the whip cracked against him again, His father smirked before yanking the boy to face him. His back pressed against the cold hard wood as he resisted the urge to hiss. _

_ “Please, huh?” And that is why you never talk when you're getting beat. They enjoy it too much. _

_ The belt whipped at his face, and then his legs, and then, the last swing was made right to his abdomen, breaking open the stitches, letting blood come pouring out again. _

_ That was his father's way of saying, _

_ “In the end, was it worth it?” _

Booth jumped out of his bed, screaming, his whole body was stinging and the sweat caused the friction as he touched the sheets, he was crying and screaming and he was once again, dying.

“Please.” Booth chants. And then, he does something he hasn't done in a long time, he bites really hard into his wrist and his heart rate slowly goes down, and his chest stops heaving, and he’s squinting as he pulls his teeth away, looking at the bite mark.

It hurts so fucking much but his father isnt doing it, Booth is. And that in itself, is enough to calm him down.

As his surroundings become more and more familiar, he notices his phone has been ringing non stop for at least thirty minutes. His body jumps into action and he swipes the phone from his side table. He opens it up and answers, his breath still laboured.

“Agent Booth! You missed your appointment with Doctor Brennan and I yesterday!” Booth hears Sweets’ voice and the panic makes him shake even more.

“Ah, I’m sorry, can you-” Booth pulls away and bites hard into his arm, the breathing calms down and he turns back to the phone.

“-Sorry I was doing something.”

“Agent Booth, Brennan and I decided to reschedule for today, come in ready to talk, Somethings wrong with you and we want to help, we care about you.” And then Sweets ends the call, not even giving Booth the chance to respond.

Today was going to be another, very, very, very, very, long day.

As he got dressed he heard the familiar ding of his phone. He buttoned up the fourth button on the white button up before walking over to pick up his phone.

His chest started to rise and fall faster as he read the text. By the time it said Crime Scene, presence requested, he had started to type his excuse.

'Can't be at the crime scene today, busy. Send Lores.'

Then he snapped it shut and put it in his pocket, buttoning up the fifth button.

As he walked into the building, scanning his card, his hands had started to shake a bit more. He looked around before sinking his teeth into his wrist once again.

He was to be in Sweets office in four minutes. To talk about feelings and what not.

Booth bit harder, leaving a deep imprint in his wrist. His anxiety was skyrocketing, his dreams were getting worse and his flashbacks were immobilizing him for longer and longer each time. Last time it was 16 minutes, who knows when the next will be.

Booth had to get a hold over himself, he had two minutes left before he'd be in an office, forcing a smile.

Yet, the bite wasn't calming him down enough.

It doesn't hurt.

He groans, becoming desperate, no one was looking, he was alone in his office, and he desperately needed release.

He grinds his teeth as the clock ticks.

Booth was still shaking.

Bite, hurry, again, harder. As his teeth puncture his skin, blood rushes to the surface.

His eyes widen at the sight of the few beads of blood.

He shudders, using his thumb to swipe and smear the beads into his skin before rolling his sleeve down. His chest had completely stopped heaving by now, and Booth felt normal, for the first time in the past few days.

It was working.

He walked into Sweets office, prepared to be attacked, and prepared to deflect. When he got there, Bones was already sitting in her chair and Sweets was staring at him from his desk.

“...Hi?” Booth asks, smiling as he sits down. Sweets eyes him carefully, analyzing his every move.

“Agent Booth, you seem to be off these past few days.” Booth shakes his head smiling before responding.

“Actually I just needed to think some things over.” Sweets doesn't show any sign of movement.

“Okay, and what things?”

“Does it matter?” Booth responds, keeping his voice light and calm. Sweets tilts his head, glancing at Booth’s leg, and then hands. No signs of anxiety.

“Yes, I believe it relates to your new investigation.” Sweets says, interlocking his fingers and resting his chin on them, Bones looks between them both as Booth shakes his head.

“No siree. That was deemed an accidental death earlier yesterday, got the text this morning.” Booth has to bite the inside of his cheek to keep his leg from bouncing. He could lie with ease but it was the lie itself that would get him. Sweets sighs and sits back in his chair, eyeing Booth the same way he always does.

“So, why have you been acting odd recently?”Booth shrugs.

“I don’t believe I have.” Bones eyes light up a bit and she glances between them both before opening her mouth to speak.

“Actually, I don’t believe you have either.” Sweets sighs in frustration and leans back in his chair.

“Dr. Brennan when I mentioned yesterday’s appointment to him the day before, he showed signs of increasing anxiety.” Bones turns to look at Booth.

“He doesn’t seem to be expressing any signs currently.” Booth smiles and looks at Sweets.

“See?” He says, pointing to himself, “Perfectly fine.”

Sweets takes a deep breath and leans forward, “Agent Booth, could you explain the panic in your expression that day then?”

Booth resists the urge to tense and nods, smiling at Sweets.

“I was just tired.”

“Of?” Booth grins and leans back in his chair.

“Just tired, Sweets.” Sweets nods, looking over at Bones.

“So you lied about having an argument with Dr. Brennan?” Booth tenses then, and Sweets notes the movement mentally. He had struck a nerve.

“No, I guess I was also a bit upset she couldn’t be on the case with me.” Bones turns to Booth, exasperated.

“Booth, I had work to do!” Booth holds his hands up in a surrendering motion, grinning.

“I know Bones, I’m not mad.” Sweets nods, writing down the interaction on his clipboard.

“Thank you for sharing Agent Booth.” Booth flashes a sarcastic smile and turns to Bones.

“Are we all good now?” Sweets nods. And Bones doesn't respond.

“You may leave.” Sweets says, happy he got ANYTHING out of Booth at all. Booth and Bones stand up, stretching and walking out. Finally.

Booth purposely walks in the direction Bones was, not because he wanted to but because he knew himself better than that. He knew the person she thought he was, would follow her.

"Sweets needs to back away." Booth blurts, not really meaning to. Bones turns her attention to him before responding.

"I believe so as well." Booth rocks on his tiptoes as they both enter the elevator.

"So." He says, glancing at her with that grin of his.

"Yes?" She asks, staring at him. He clears his throat.

"I was just thinking we could eat out tonight." Bones tilts her head as if she was thinking it over.

The Elevator shudders to a stop and she returns her attention to in front of her.

"Of course." And she leaves the elevator, strutting off. Booth smirks to himself and clicks the button to go back up to his office. He didn't really know the point of getting in the elevator, he had stuff to do in his office.

The thought of being in his office alone made his wrist ache again and he squinted as the elevator starts to move again.

Just get the paper work done and go home.

Booth wasn't safe anywhere, why waste his time trying to stop the nightmares? He barely sleeps as it is.

_ "I'M SORRY DAD!" _

Booth already knows this was going to be a tough flashback, especially because it was one of the firsts.

_ He didn't seem to like that, he smacked the boy with violent force. The boy, shocked, let the tears fall from his eyes. Why would he do such a thing? _

It's no surprise what Booth's response to the elevated heart beat was to chomp onto his other forearm. He hoped he wouldn't have to do this much anymore.

But it wasn't as bad as having to feel every mark in his skin.


	5. Chapter 5

"Seeley!" He turns around, plastering on his smile.

"Hey, Herk." Herk smiles and opens his arms wide. Booth leans forward and wraps his arm around the older man.

"It feels good to know you're safe." Booth pulls away, patting the man's back.

"Always, Herk." Herk grins wider and looks Booth up and down.

"Damn, you've gotten taller boy." Booth shakes his head, smiling.

"And you've gotten smaller." Herk shrugs.

"Old age is a bitch." Booth laughs lightly and walks into his office.

"I bet it is." Herk stretches.

"Oh you'll understand soon, boy." Herk says, only care in his tone. Booth sits at his desk.

"Whatcha doing here, Herk?" Herk groans as he takes a seat.

"Can't an ol' freind just-" Booth smirks and tilts his head, staring at Herk.

"-Yeah yeah, alright." Herk shifts in his seat and Booth leans forward.

"I heard you got yourself a new case." Booth bites the inside of his cheek, resisting the urge to bite his wrist.

"And how'd you hear that, Herk?" Herk leans back, the wrinkles in his face sloshing a bit.

"The Walkinson' father was a friend of mine." Booth nods, trying to find the right way to say the man was a bastard.

"Right, well he's dead, Herk." Herk sighs.

"He was a good man, Seeley." Booth shakes his head a bit, licking his lips.

"He beat his kids, Herk. He deserves what came to him." Herk shakes his head, sitting up in his seat and glaring at Booth.

"Don't turn this man into your father!" Booth feels the rage course through him as he stands up, pointing a finger at Herk.

"Don't talk about him." Booth seethes at the old man, a glare so deep and evident. It's silent for a a minute before Herk speaks up, his voice barely a whisper.

"Seeley…" Booth hesitates before sitting down in his chair.

"I'm sorry Herk, I just-"

"No need, boy." Herk stands up, groaning as he did.

"Herk, all I can tell you is that the man beat his kids and he's dead now. It's an open case." Herk nods his head, his wrinkles following.

"You don't know that he beat his kids. They lived on the streets, it could have been anyone." Booth sighs.

"Look." Booth says, standing up again to meet Herk's level.

"I'm sorry for your loss, Herk. But the kids told us." Herk's face turns to one of sorrow.

"Phil beat Peter and Kane?" Booth shakes his head 'no' slowly, looking at the ground.

"Only Kane. Kane took Peter's blows." He practically chokes out, Herk looks around as if he had just lost everything.

"Oh- oh my no, this must be-" Herk turns to Booth.

"Seeley let me see the boys." Booth shakes his head.

"They're still suspects." Herk shudders and turns to the door.

"Give me a call when they're out, Rachel and I are willing to adopt." Herk says before opening the door and walking through.

"Yeah." Booth whispers closing his eyes, hands on hips. Sweets called it his 'upset' pose. But Booth calls it his 'get the hell away from me' pose.

Herk was his grandpa's best friend.

"Booth!" Booth stops and turns.

"Yes, Director?"

"What's taking so long on the homeless guys case?" Booth bites his cheek again, chomping on a prominent scar being made inside his mouth.

"Nothing, sir."

"Good. Then get going." Booth nods, biting harder on his cheek, turning around and going to his office.

This case was his to finish. He already lied to Sweets yesterday, he needed this done before anything else happened.

"Agent Burton, get me the social worker for the boys, and bring your boyfriend Ernie along." The agent smirks before chuckling and picking up the phone.

"Nice one, Kissing Booth." Booth doesn't reply back, he walks out the front door to the office and gets in the car.

"Come on Bones, I just need SOMETHING." She sighs in frustration and glares at him.

"I'm trying Booth!"

"Dr. Brennan!" Fisher says, running in.

"What?" Brennan asks, turning to him. He nods to Booth and continues

"The fe-"

"-No! No squintern talk, give me regular people talk."

Fisher nods.

"He smokes and drinks a lot, and he had many self inflicted cuts grazing his bones. Most likely, if I had to say, It's a suicide covered up."

"What?"

"Perfect! Thank you!" Booth says, grinning as he runs out of the room.

"Wait!" Booth halts, cringing.

"How did you find this?" Fisher nods to her.

"The erm- joints were constantly in two positions, wrapped around a handle of some sort, and holding a thin cylinder. Cigarette and Bottle. At first I thought bat but the tox screens show he was an alcoholic." Brennan looks at the Bones.

"Okay."

"And it looks like he cut himself, Angela checked the angle, it all fits. It was a suicide. Whoever found the body must have panicked and covered it up." Bones nods, sighing.

"That looks to be correct, Mr. Fisher." Booth shifts on his feet.

"Can I go now?"

"Yes, Booth." Booth jogs out of the building, case closed, right?

Booth was the happiest he's ever been.

It's over. Suicide, boys probably covered it up or some other homeless man did, either way it, it was suicide.

He was done. He'd stop biting his wrists and he wouldn't think about...that... anymore and-

"Booth?" Annoyance surged through him and he turned, glaring at the person. He was right there, just let him finish this.

"Woah. You okay?" Booth's facial expression relaxes instantly and he forces a smile.

"Sorry, long day, need something?" Sweets stares at Booth. Booth tries to keep his calm.

"Listen, Sweets. If it's not that important, I've got somewhere to be." Sweets opens his mouth.

"Of course. Just wanted to tell you that you will be having an one on one appointment with me tommorow." Booth does a double take.

"Wait, What? No!"

Sweets smiles.

"Yes. Don't be late." Booth gives the man one last glare before steadily walking away, keeping eye contact until he turns the corner.

"Looks like I've got some sleeping in late to do." He mutters to himself as he does so.

  
  


Booth walks into the room, a glass of water in his hand.

"Hi, I'm Agent Booth, I'm here to ask you a few questions."

The lady beside him nods at the boy. He sighs.

"I'm Kane." Booth sits down, serious mode.

"Yes, I know." The lady stares at Booth.

"Your dad beats you, you and your brother leave. When you come back, his body is burnt and he's dead. You scream and hide your brother, the lady hears, she calls the cops."

The boy swallows, the woman furrows her eyebrows.

"What are you-"

"Just stating facts, Ma'am." She glares at Booth before turning to the boy.

"He can't hurt you." The boy nods.

"Yes." Booth grins like he's won the lottery.

"Case Closed." The boy leans away, wide eyes at Booth. And Booth stands up, leaving the room.

"I'm going home. The dad killed himself, a man covered it up, scared. The boys found him. Get the file done." Booth says, walking into the elevator.

"I'm going home." He says to the three officers before the door shuts closed.

It's over. Booth grins as he drives home, he'd finally get some sleep.

Can't wait to walk into Sweets office and rub it in his baby face that he was perfectly happy and healthy.

  
  



	6. Chapter 6

_ “Son.” It was said with such poison and hate that Seeley had to shiver. And suddenly he looked at Jared. _

_ “RUN, JARED!” Jared didn’t move. _

_ “JARED FUCKING GO!” That was the first time Seeley had cursed in front of Jared. It shocked Seeley so much to hear the words Daddy always said coming out of his brother's mouth. _

_ “Why you screaming for, boy? What you say?” Jared’s eyes became saucers and he ran to the door. Crying. Jared was in the bathroom, and then the door locked, like it always has and always will. _

_ “Seeley you fucking idiot! Where the fuck are ye?” Seeley started to think, like he always does. _

_ He imagines that he will say something and his father will stop, it will get through the haze of alcohol and reach his brain. And whatever of the brain was left, would apologize to Seeley. And Seeley would yell for Jared to come out and his dad would take him to the hospital and finally get all his bruises and scratches checked out and Seeley will have a dad again. _

_ And the ‘what ifs’ start flowing so fast that in one image he's seeing his father kiss the gash he made a week ago on his stomach, and in another his father tried to hug him and he winces and apologizes when Seeley groans. _

_ And in the faintest of his mind. _

_ He can hear his father saying the words. _

_ ‘I’m sorry.’ _

_ But instead, his father is really going to say- _

_ “There you are, you sick son of a bitch.” And Seeley is lifted from the ground, his mind has shut off. _

_ “Always taking my son from me. I don’t EVEN SEE HIM, SEELEY!” His father throws him on the ground again and again, slamming his shoulders into the hardwood floor. _

_ “I had sex with a woman to have Jar-head.” His father continues, moving to instead punch the boy in his face. _

_ “NOT YOU, SEELEY!” A crack can be heard throughout the rather loud room as Seeley feels his arm dislocate. _

_ “YOU DIDN’T HAVE A KID YOU CAN NEVER SEE, SEELEY!” The boy’s body is flung into the ground one more time. _

_ “HE!” Seeley gasps out loud when his father punches him in his ribs. _

_ “IS!” Another blow and Seeley lies still, letting it happen. _

_ “MINE!” The last one he bangs both fists on the boy’s ribs. _

_ His father sighs, as if he had just had a work out. _ _  
_ _ “You want a kid of your own, Seeley?” Seeley closes his eyes, he couldn’t even force his voice to LIVE if he wanted to. _

_ “ANSWER ME!” His father screams into his face, spitting on him. Seeley shakes his head no. _

_ “You sure?” Seeley nods, feeling the bruises ache. _

_ “No.” His father mumbles, looking around and wiping his top lip, “You want a kid, I’ll give you a kid.” _

_ Seeley doesn’t quite know what his dad means, but he tries to squirm away anyway. Maybe he’ll hit his balls or something? The belt slides off and Seeley doesn’t understand why it had to be him of all people. He closes his eyes. Preparing for the belt to smack him. _

_ “Kid wants a kid.” His father mumbles, unzipping his pants. Seeley is too tired and in pain to notice anything. _

_ “You’ll be a good father, Seeley.” His dad hisses, pulling his knees and kneeling on the ground. _

_ Seeley shakes his head, he’s so out of it he can’t even focus on the words. _

_ His father grabs the top of Seeley’s pants and drags them down below his knees, Seeley is aware he’s done so but he can’t find it in him to resist. _

_ Then Seeley’s boxers are being dragged. _

_ His father’s boxers are down too. _

_ “Always knew you were a pussy.” His father spits with venom. _

_ He makes a gurgle noise before spitting onto Seeley’s ass.  _

_ “Now you’ll have your own kid to boss the fuck around.” he growls, trying to push into Seeley without any preperation. _

_ _

_ _

Booth wakes up, he spends the next 20 minutes trying to calm himself, and then he bites down till he sees blood and he still isn’t calm ENOUGH.

He pulls out the blade from his bedside table and bites the blanket as he drags the blade across his wrist.

The red liquid spills onto the sheets and it’s as if the sight of it calms Booth’s soul.

To his demise, he has missed his appointment with Sweets, and the text he sees when he opens his phone almost gets him going again.

  
“Okay, Agent Booth, this is becoming an actual issue, at least you used to show up. I’m swinging by the Jeffersonian to see some files since you missed the appointment. After that I’m going back to the office, if by the next two hours you do not reply with SOMETHING, I will be taking your badge.”

And that was 3 hours ago.

Booth jumps out of the bed, getting dressed in his casual wear, something he rarely wears to work. He gets in his car and he drives as fast as he can to the office.

Booth bursts into the room and he scans the room for Sweets, who he finds to be sitting on his desk, looking through files.

“Ah. Good, so I won't have to detain you. I need your gun, badge, and knife.” Booth tenses a bit as he remembers where his knife is. Covered in blood on his nightstand.

“Sweets.” Booth says, charmingly.   
Sweets shuts the file angrily.

“Booth this is unacceptable. You’ve missed three appointments with me in this past WEEK. If you don’t give me a straight answer on this I can’t HELP!” Booth’s anger rises.

“I DON’T WANT YOUR FUCKING HELP!” When the words leave Booth’s mouth he flinches back, as does Sweets. Booth immediately collects himself and shakes his head.

“Sorry, sorry. I just- Sorry.” Sweets tilts his head and frowns.

“If you ever do a thing for me-” Booth looks up at him, “-let it be just telling me.”

Booth shakes his head slowly, puts his hands on his hips, and then bites his lip.

“I’m going to say one single thing to you.” Sweets eyes light up and he nods, eager to hear what Booth has to say.

“It’s too much like me.” Sweets tilts his head at Booth and frowns.

“What do you mean, Agent Booth?”

“Bye, Sweets.” Sweets stands up to chase after him.

“Wait wait wait just tell me okay?” Booth closes the door in his face and walks out of the office gritting his teeth.

A small part of him hoping Sweets would understand, a small small small small part, but a part he still had. And all the part was screaming was leave hints, leave hints, squeeze a drop of blood on the floor, give him the case file and make him read it- and then that part was washed away in a sea of memories.

Booth walked through the office and out the door, trying to ignore his brain that had been repeating, ‘Always knew you were a pussy,’ into his brain.

“Kissing Booth! Finished the file on those boys.”

Half of him screamed to tell him to give it to Sweets.

And then the other half of him was screaming ‘burn it’.

Booth said neither, and nodded as he walked out the door.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SEXY CONTENT, Also I broke my computer today so that's great, just got it too.
> 
> There is sexual consented contact in one scene, non con flashbacks in another, and then A nice solo action, enjoy :)

Booth drives home, telling himself it has to get better, that he will get better.

As he drives his hands squeeze the wheel so hard that the cut in his wrist is stinging. He’d be surprised if it wasn't still bleeding.

His front door clicks as Booth pulls out the key and walks inside. The door being closed with his foot behind him as he sets his keys and phone on the counter.

He opens his bedroom door and walks in, reaching to unhook his holster and setting his gun in his bedside drawer, whenever he needed to, he would be able to reach it.

“I need a shower.” He whispers to himself.

Instead, despite needing one, he kicks off his loafers and rips off his suit jacket. 

Booth lets himself sink into his mattress in suit pants, a button up shirt, and his crazy socks.

As he lays he uses his hands to work off his cocky belt buckle. Groaning at the relief when he throws it across the room.

It’s only 7, but he’s so tired.

Booth unbuttons and pulls back his sleeve to look at the angry red cut. He brings his other hand up and slowly glides a finger across it.

He immediately hisses before dropping his hands to his sides and closing his eyes again.

Booth lays in the same spot, trying to will himself to sleep.

But instead he finds himself just laying in silence on his back, focusing on the still seething burn the cut has created.

After an hour but what feels like three hours, Booth sits up and whines in agony.

“What the hell is wrong with me?!” He begs to no one, just flipping onto his side and trying once again to close his eyes.

“Sleep.” He mutters to himself as he pulls the blanket over his body.

For the next 30 minutes Booth thinks about everything and nothing in the same time.

He thinks about how badly he wishes he could see Jared, that looming feeling of wanting Jared to open the door and be safe has come back to him. After every flashback he finds himself groaning Jared’s name, telling him to open the door. Begging his little brother.

Booth feels disgusting and weak whenever it happens.

“FUCK!” Booth screams, sitting up in a fury, He unbuttons his shirt and throws it to the side, sliding his pants and socks off as well.

“I was supposed to be in bed two hours ago.” He mutters, repositioning himself.

Another 20 minutes pass before Booth breaks down, a tear falling down his face.

“Just fucking SLEEP, PLEASE!” He begs himself, wiping at his eyes and sitting up. He lets out a shaky breath before looking around the room in silence.

Maybe he’s been working too much? He needs a break. But he’s been saving his vacation day for Parker’s birthday 5 months from now.

Maybe he just needs to have some fun? Maybe get laid, get a drink.

He nods to himself.

Yeah, drinks and a hot chick will definitely work.

Booth reaches over to his nightstand and gets out his phone, clicking on his contacts list and scrolling down. 

He scrolls past Brennan.

He couldn’t ruin what they had just because he was horny one night.

He scrolls past Angela.

She had given him her number way before Brennan even did, told him to call when he got lonely and winked at him. He wouldn’t do that no matter how drunk he was. Angela would be reciting every single detail to every squintern she saw, all day every day. Especially around Booth.

He paused when he saw Parker’s mother, that’s what he had referred to her as so much to the point that it was WHO she was to him. She had already ruined her relationship with her as far as he knew and he didn’t see what a one night stand could harm?

In the court of law it seemed as if Booth was way more responsible than she was, especially after she lost Parker that one night when she was wasted with her new boy toy.

_ “BOOTH I LOST HIM!” _

_ “You what?” _

_ “I LOST PARKER, SEELEY PLEASE!” _

_ “Fuck, I’m coming, okay?” _

Booth frowns and clicks the button, holding it to his ear. The best alternative, he thought to himself as it rang.

“Seeley?” Good she was still awake, he thought she would be but there was always a chance.

Booth thought about how to word it. Eventually he decided if she was going to come over, he wouldn’t have to hide the reason.

“Where’s Parker?”

“A friend’s house.” She said, sounding annoyed. Booth brings the phone closer to his mouth and lowers his voice.

“Baby.” He whispers. The other line goes silent before he hears her heavy breathing. She took the bait.

“Come over and sit on my lap, will you?” He says in a low and sexy voice. He can practically hear her pulse raising from over the phone and she whines a bit into the speaker.

“I’m on my way.” He grins and ends the call.

He can take all his anger out on her pretty pink lips. Booth practically groans and lays back on the bed.

He stands up and puts his pants on, sitting on the bed and waiting.

It was now very apparent that this was exactly what he was missing.

He heard the knock and jumped up from the bed, running to the door and opening it, the moment it was open, it was closed again and she was pressing herself into his body.

He grinned into the kiss and picked her up and let her wrap her legs around his waist, her heel digging into his spine as she moaned.

He walked them into his room before dropping her onto the bed and moving kisses down her jaw and on her neck. It was happening so fast and Booth wasn’t complaining. Especially not when she reached down to palm him in his jeans. He groaned into those pretty pink lips he was thinking about. God did he love those pretty pink lips.

He lifted her shirt up, throwing it to the side as she pressed two fingers against the bulge in his pants. He bit her lip and licked the side of her neck, tasting the sweetness of the sweat that made her neck shine. Like a present only he was allowed to unwrap.

“Seeley.” She whined into his ear, closing her eyes as he sucked on her neck.

“Baby.” He groaned back, reaching around to unhook her bra. He pulled back to throw it to the side before finally lowering to her breasts. He licked around, teasingly.

“Don’t. Stop.” She whispered, running her hands down his abs and finally reaching the waistband of his jeans. 

She unzips them and it's almost as if the noise breaks through the silence of Booth’s mind.

He pauses and he pulls back from her, terrified, and then he loses control of himself. So he walks out of the room before she can see him like this, and locks the door.

Booth barely gets it to lock before-

_ Seeley shakes his head, he’s so out of it he can’t even focus on the words. _

_ His father grabs the top of Seeley’s pants and drags them down below his knees, Seeley is aware he’s done so but he can’t find it in him to resist. _

_ Then Seeley’s boxers are being dragged. _

_ His father’s boxers are down too. _

_ “Always knew you were a pussy.” His father spits with venom. _

Booth grabs the bathroom sink and shakes his head, closing his eyes.

“Go away.” He mutters to himself.

_ He makes a gurgle noise before spitting onto Seeley’s ass.  _

_ “Now you’ll have your own kid to boss the fuck around.” he growls, trying to push into Seeley without any preperation. _

_ Seeley screams bloody murder, except for he can’t get himself into the tight hole. _

_ Only making his father push harder, and Seeley screams and tries to squirm away. _

_ His father grabs his already bruised hips, forcing Seeley to stay still as he pulls back, releasing the pressure, Seeley is crying now. His body trying to be forced open. _

_ His father takes a hand off of Seeley and onto himself, he straightens it out, and then aims at Seeley’s hole, and pushes again. _

_ Seeley screams bloody murder, louder than he ever has. This pain wasn’t like the others. _

“Stop, Jared, Please, Stop.” Seeley is hitting his head against the wall and crying to himself, his bare back against the wall.

“What the fuck are you doing Seeley? Are you getting lube or some shit?” Seeley lets out a shaky breath, sniffling and looking over at the locked door.

He can’t do this.

“I don’t think this is going to go down right.” He hollars through the door, keeping his voice as steady as possible.

“You should probably get dressed.” He says, putting his head in his hands. He hears an annoyed growl from outside the door and then movement. Seeley tries to stand up, grabbing onto the sink for support.

By the time he has opened the door, she was dressed and grabbing her purse.

“Don’t you ever fucking talk to me again, Seeley.” She growls, glaring at him and slamming the front door closed. He whines to himself and sits down on his bed, laying back and slamming his head against the headboard.

“Fuck.” He whimpers.

The room goes silent as Booth thinks about all the shit he’s gone through in the past few days, and then he closes his eyes and calms himself.

If he goes to work tomorrow and he’s sexually frustrated...He might just kill himself in misery right on the spot.

Booth shakes his head.

He ALMOST wishes he didn’t have a dick.

He lowers his head and looks down at his pants.

Frustration flows through his skin and he reaches down, yanking off his pants.

When they're off he throws them to the side. Glaring at them.

“SO WHY DO YOU LET ME TAKE MY OWN PANTS OFF BUT IF ANYBODY ELSE DOES IT ITS ALL FUCKING-” Booth slams his first onto the nightstand, breathing heavily.

It's silent for the next few minutes as Booth heaves.

He slowly sits up and looks down at his boxers.

He slowly pulls his boxers down and pulls out his flaccid cock.

The single touch makes it stir. He can feel it pulse to life.

“You ruined your chances with a lady dickbag.” He mutters to his own cock, feeling it harden slowly in his hand, half mast.

Booth closes his eyes, getting into a slow rhythm, his fingers pressing into the side of his dick as he raises and lowers his hand, stroking it.

Booth starts to think.

His first go to is imagining Parker's mother, he shakes his head, holding his breath, and trying to clear his mind of any of his past and or her.

Next image that comes up is Brennan. He feels a bit of guilt flooded behind it. But he’s alone in his house, and she doesn’t need to ever know about this.

He remembers that one case when he caught Bones right before she slipped. And his hand slipped under her shirt and up into the curve of her hips. In the rush of the moment neither of them noticed it until Booth was still holding her skin, her warm skin. Then he slipped his hand back out and apologized. She shook her head and informed him that he didn’t mean to. His dick pulses in his hand and Booth groans out.

“Fucking Wow.” Booth mutters, releasing the breath he was holding and screwing his eyes shut tighter.

And then he remembers that one time Bones was fishing bullet pieces out of his skin. And she paused, looking at the rest of the squinterns.

_ “I’m going to need Booth to take off his boxers as well, he is shy and reserved, would you all mind leaving and closing the door?” Booth's mouth fell open and he shook his head. _

_ “No, what? Wait, what do you mean!?!” The squinterns laughed a bit and walked out Booth stood in absolute shock as Brennan had hooked her fingers around his waist band, and dragged them down right before his cock would come out, Booth closed his eyes on instinct and bit his lip. _

_ As soon as he was aware of what he was doing, he opened his eyes, cleared his face of any emotion, and watched as Brennan removed a bullet piece from his upper thigh. Booth held his breath so as not to make a noise and simply watched. When she was done, he was already half mast. He was surprised he hadn’t been the whole time with her touching all over him while the other squinterns watched. _

_ Bones had looked up into his eyes and he bit his lip again. She studies his features like he was a new specimen. She tilts her head a bit, looking all over before resting on his bulge. She doesn’t look disgusted or even confused, she nods, reaches down, pulls his boxers back up his hips… _

_ And then smiles at him. _

_ “Sorry it took so long, Booth. Your clothes are over there and I recommend you take care of your erection before you leave the room as so that your fragile manhood won’t be obscured.” He learned to block out the fragile manhood part and all he could hear was her telling him to jerk off after just touching all over him. He managed to compose himself and shake his head at her before jumping off the cart. _

_ “Just a reaction, I’m not even...you know.” _

_ “Horny?” She asked, Booth cringes and shakes his head. _

_ “AND there's the end of the conversation.” She shrugs, takes off her gloves and opens the door, walking out. _

Just as soon as the next one ended, the third one pops up. But instead, it's Sweets.

Booth stops stroking and opens his eyes, looking ahead of him.

Sweets is looking at him angrily, threatening to revoke his gun. Booth slowly starts to stroke again, getting harder than he was before.

All those empty threats.

Booth groans out, sounding straight out of a porn.

All the times he wanted to beat the fuck out of the man.

Booth is starting to pant. Going faster.

Booth refuses to acknowledge that he's jerking off to memories of Sweets being rude to him. He needed to get laid so bad that honestly he didn't care where it came from.

“Fuck.” Booth moans, sounding a bit like a girl.

He starts to move his hips along with his hands, bucking up into it as precome smears itself.

“Shit, Shit, Shit.” Booth repeats, grinding harder and making an ‘O’ face.

And then he sees himself punching Sweets. And weirdly that really does it for him.

He comes across his own chest, heaving.

Booth lays still for a few minutes, letting his euphoria fade before grabbing up hsi dirty jeans and rubbing off his cum.

And only now does he really want to sleep.

And only now it seems that he finally can.

Booth passes out, not even having a choice in the matter as he yawns and rolls over in the bed.


End file.
